There is such a fine line between dreaming and pushing the dream. As someone whose mind is roaring and running from the moment my lids open to the instant when my brain coaxes them to stay closed, I do a fine amount of talking in my head. No, not of the Sybilaphile kind--at least not yet--but rather a wishing and wondering, dashing and retreating dance. "What will the afternoon hold?", I wonder while running through the days list in my head...and automatically, ideas are attached to each item until it effectively becomes a Wish List.
I remember telling my "Uncle" Tom (who is related to me only because he has known me "before you were born") at the brass bold age of thirty that I had it all planned out. I was going to keep working "one hundred percent" on my career for this many years, meet the man of my dreams at such age while following up by hopefully having one child (only) within the next few years. How sure of myself I was! He looked at me calmly and said, "Life doesn't work like that, Heather."
How right he was. The unpredictability of life has often left me delighted, offering something beyond what my pirouetting imagination could have served on a silver platter but it has also left me in tears of utter disillusionment. And yet I keep needing to learn it on levels little and big.
Buddhism reminds us that expectations can only lead to disappointment. So when is "looking forward to something" different than trying to make a moment other than what it is? I want things to be exactly how I hoped but of course that happens so rarely. This note is a little reminder to myself to just be present and push away the smokey clouds that pollute with their noise of braying to be heard. Just breathe. For there is nothing but peace in our heart rising and falling and cool air splaying over our lips with each exhale to know that all is well. All is well.
Everything is fine and dandy, I just caught myself in the act as storm clouds have gathered before going to see Melody Gardot in concert, my little dress put aside for something more reasonable and whining on the verge of escaping. I wondered if anyone else does the same...
I will be back to the wedding festivities on Friday.